Your relationship deserves more than better arguments

You can get very good at running a household together and still miss each other.

There are things to arrange, meals to figure out and messages to answer. A conversation about something interesting can turn into a discussion of when you would possibly have time for it.

A personality report should make room for what you enjoy in each other: how your partner thinks, what catches their interest, what makes them feel appreciated, and which experiences you might enjoy together.

There is a research basis for paying attention to those moments.

Shelly Gable and colleagues studied what happens when people share positive events. Across four studies, enthusiastic and constructive partner responses were associated with benefits including greater intimacy and daily marital satisfaction.

Think about how you respond when your partner is pleased with something. Do you ask about it? Do you notice the effort? Do you immediately find the next thing to improve?

A response can be ordinary and still show real interest:

“You sound pleased with how that went. Tell me about it.”

You can also make room for an idea that is still taking shape. Imagine your partner mentions something they would like to try. You ask, “What appeals to you about it?” With someone interested in hearing more, they explain what caught their attention.

As they talk, you think of something you would enjoy about it too. They ask about your suggestion, and you work out a version you both like. Your interest helped them share more freely; their interest in your contribution made it something to enjoy together.

There is also evidence for doing something new together. In three experiments by Arthur Aron and colleagues, couples who completed a brief novel and exciting activity showed greater immediate gains in experienced relationship quality than couples doing something more mundane.

The practical opportunity is to find a little novelty you both want. Personality discussions can help you identify the conditions that make that easier.

One of you may enjoy discovering the plan as you go. The other may enjoy the same outing much more once the timing and cost are clear. You could agree on those details and leave part of the afternoon open.

Someone who needs quiet may enjoy a new experience with you after a little time to recover from the day. Someone who enjoys talking may appreciate knowing when you will have time to hear the whole story.

These are possibilities to discuss, rather than activities assigned to a type. Actual interests still belong at the center. An adventure might be a new trail, a dance class, an unfamiliar recipe or exploring a nearby town.

There is something valuable in discovering what your partner enjoys about an interest you have never shared. The detail that seems unimportant from outside may be exactly what makes it satisfying to them. Knowing that gives the two of you more ways to enjoy each other’s company.

Familiar roles can hide some of those interests. The person you think of as practical may have an idea they have never mentioned. The easygoing one may have a strong preference you have stopped asking about. “What would you choose?” gives each person room to answer beyond the role they usually fill.

The point of knowing your partner better includes making more room for the parts of them you enjoy. A useful report should leave you with something pleasant to look forward to together.

Published by Figure Us Out with AI assistance. Find the sources and further reading below. About the founders.

Sources and further reading (2)

• S. L. Gable, H. T. Reis, E. A. Impett & E. R. Asher (2004). Sharing positive events and relationship well-being. Four studies.
• A. Aron, C. C. Norman, E. N. Aron, C. McKenna & R. E. Heyman (2000). Shared novel activities and relationship quality. Surveys and three laboratory experiments.