Understanding personality · 5 min read
Why motives matter in your relationship
Two people can do the same thing for different reasons. Understanding the reason can change what helps.
Your partner takes over a task you were doing.
Maybe they are worried it will go wrong. Maybe they are trying to be useful. Maybe they want it finished so they can stop thinking about it.
The action looks similar. The conversation you need to have depends on what is driving it.
Looking at motivation means asking about the concerns, desires and habits behind the behavior. What someone is trying to achieve or avoid can explain a response that otherwise seems unreasonable.
That gives you questions to explore: What feels especially difficult here? What am I hoping your response will tell me? What am I trying to prevent? What do I keep doing even after it stops helping?
Broader relationship research supports taking needs seriously. In three studies by Patrick and colleagues, fulfillment of needs for autonomy, competence and connection was associated with relationship well-being. Those are general human needs. The research gives us a reason to ask how needs are being experienced within a particular relationship.
Knowledgeable interpretation matters because a motive is something to investigate. You can ask, “When you took over, were you worried it wouldn’t get done?” Your partner may say yes. They may also tell you something you had not considered.
Once you understand, the request can get more precise:
“I get why the deadline was worrying you. Next time, ask me when I’m finishing it. I want to handle this myself.”
The person who took over also has something to practice: noticing the worry before acting on it, and asking for information.
Understanding a motive is most useful when it leads to a change you can actually make. You name what matters, understand your usual response, and find a way to express the need that works better for both of you.
12 everyday misunderstandings
The same behavior can mean different things. These are possibilities to discuss with your partner; their explanation and the circumstances tell you which one fits.
| What you notice | More than one possible reason |
|---|---|
| They ask several questions about a plan. | They are interested, checking the cost, or wondering whether their time has already been committed. |
| They go quiet. | They are thinking, overwhelmed, or unsure how to say something difficult. |
| They offer solutions immediately. | They enjoy figuring things out, want to be useful, or assume advice was requested. |
| They change an agreed plan. | Another option appeared, they overlooked a consequence, or they misunderstood what was settled. |
| They want details settled early. | They need to arrange something, want to look forward to it, or find uncertainty distracting. |
| They resist deciding now. | They need information, want room to explore, or dislike the available choices. |
| They ask whether everything is okay. | They noticed a change, feel uncertain about the silence, or want some connection. |
| They joke in a serious moment. | They want to ease tension, feel uncomfortable, or think the other person is ready to laugh. |
| They immediately improve an idea. | They are enthusiastically building on it, see a practical problem, or assume suggestions are welcome. |
| They decline an invitation. | They are tired, dislike the activity, or need time for something else. |
| They buy a practical gift. | They noticed a difficulty, want to make life easier, or remembered something that was mentioned. |
| They apologize quickly. | They understand the hurt, want to reconnect, or hope to end an uncomfortable conversation. |
Research and background
Some personality systems organize these questions around recurring motives. The Enneagram is one example discussed in the literature below.
A small quasi-experimental study in Iran reported improved emotional expressiveness after an Enneagram-based premarital program of ten weekly 90-minute sessions. The abstract describes a purposively selected sample of 30. This is preliminary evidence for that specific program and outcome.
A separate quasi-experimental study of 122 adults included 73 people in intensive Enneagram training and 49 in introductory training. Some participants receiving at least 40–50 hours advanced on a measure of adult development at the 18-month follow-up. This concerns sustained learning; it does not establish what a short personality assessment can achieve.
Professional literature has explored the couples application too. Miles Matise’s family-therapy article connects Enneagram ideas with understanding the interactions between family members, including a couple case illustration.
Published by Figure Us Out with AI assistance. Find the sources and further reading below. About the founders.
Sources and further reading (5)
- The Enneagram Institute. How the Enneagram system works. Official framework explanation.
- H. Patrick, C. R. Knee, A. Canevello & C. Lonsbary (2007). Need fulfillment and relationship well-being. Three studies, including diary research.
- F. Navabifar, H. Atashpour & M. Golparvar (2020). Enneagram-based premarital education and emotional expressiveness. Small quasi-experimental education study; the abstract reports a sample of 30.
- D. Daniels, T. Saracino, M. Fraley, J. Christian & S. Pardo (2018). Enneagram study and adult ego development. Quasi-experimental study; 122 adults.
- M. Matise (2019; online 2018). The Enneagram: An Enhancement to Family Therapy. Professional article with a case illustration.